It's been a long, long time...

It has been over two and a half years since I wrote my last blog post.  I have had quite a few ups and downs as many people have.  That is nothing new, but part of life as we know.  The ups are good and wonderful and joyful and the downs are difficult and sometimes filled with darkness and despair.  The ups lift the spirit, while downs crush the spirit at times, at least for me.  I am not sure why I turn away from God, Jesus, the Spirit and Mary, from prayer, from faith during difficult times, but I do and that contributes to my calling myself a reluctant Independent Sister.  I have doubts about whether I was and still am called to find a way to live life as a vowed religious.  Often I am unsure of what that means or how to "do it" properly or at least whatever my perception of properly is.  Whatever the proper way to live a call to the religious life, even in a non-traditional independent way, I am always certain that I am not doing that the right way, or even close to the right way.

 I am reminded by friends and clergy that doubts are normal and even Mother Teresa, now know as Saint Teresa of Calcutta, had doubts.  That never seems to soothe my troubled mind because, as I remind myself and them, although she felt the absence of God, she never stopped praying and never stopped believing.  I have struggled mightily to have a consistent prayer life since taking vows, which really surprised me because I thought it would get easier.  Ah, but life does not get easier simply because one professes vows, does it?  Religious life does not shelter one from the ups and downs of life as much as I  might want it to or hope it will.

So there are times when I give up in exasperation or in despair or because the doubts as to whether God could have ever called me to find a way to live life as a vowed religious could possibly be true.  But no matter how many times I turn away, run away, try to abandon this call that could not be real, I find myself drawn back again and again because of Mary in ways that are often surprising and unexpected.  More about that as this renewed writing about this journey continues...

Blesssings and peace!
Sister Pat, FMT


Holy Mary, Mother of Creation,
bless us that we may experience
God as Love in praise of all creatures,
in love of all of creation. Amen.

Father Michael Adams - www.livingrosaries.org

A sign on a Coca~Cola can

I attended the Ordination to the Priesthood of my friend Deacon, now Reverend, Joan on Friday, May 8, 2015.  She was ordained an Independent Catholic Priest.  One of the traditions is that the newly ordained Priest gives first blessings after Mass.    Reverend Joan didn't say a quick blessing.  She took time with each person and blessed them with words from her heart.

The blessing I received had to with my doubts about my call to be a Sister which I discussed in a previous post, Still Answering The Call Reluctantly.  She prayed that God would make clear the path for me and remove whatever doubts I have.  I was deeply touched by the thoughtful blessing I received from my friend.

After the Mass, there was a pot luck dinner.  My friend Fr. Bill offered to get me something to drink.  I explained to him that I had not gotten anything because no one had opened the twelve pack of Coca ~Cola and I didn't  want to be the one to open it.  I also didn't want any of the drinks that were on ice.  Fr. Bill decided that I needed a drink and returned with a can of Coca~Cola.

The can was one of Coca~Cola's #ShareaCoke cans.  The message on my can was: Share a Coke with your Sis.  When I read the words, I thought about my sister, Melody.  I also thought about my Nuns: Sister Anne, Sister Julie and Sister Maxine.  As I continued to look at the words on the can, I thought about Reverend Joan's words as she blessed me.  I knew that along with being reminded of the wonderful sister and Sisters in my life, I was also being given a sign.  Ah, God does meet us in the most unexpected places... even on a Coca~Cola can!

God Bless you and keep you!
Sister Pat, FMT


Holy Mary, Mother of Creation,
bless us that we may experience
God as Love in praise of all creatures,
in love of all of creation. Amen.

Father Michael Adams - www.livingrosaries.org

Am I blind or do I just not want to see?

We are called to see God everywhere, in everyone and in all of creation.  Sister Joan Chittister has not only spoken and written about seeing God, she has also said that we must look for God where we do not expect God to be.  I struggle with finding God at my job and especially in seeing God in my coworkers and one in particular.  I am not sure why I have such a difficult time relating to this person.  Perhaps it is simply because some people just do not get along well and some personalities just do not mesh.

I reflected on this the other night while I was working with this person.  I came to the conclusion that I must be blind!  That must be the reason I cannot see God.  However, when I came home from work and continued to reflect, I was struck with a slightly different thought.  Am I really blind to the image of God in my coworker or am I closing my eyes?

I didn't give that much more thought until I had lunch with Fr. Robert.  He listened as I told this story.  As I was telling him, it occurred to me that maybe it's more than just closing my eyes.  Maybe I am choosing not to see God in this person.  Why is that?  I have always had a tense working relationship with this coworker.  Am I using the difficulty in our work relationship as an excuse to ignore God?

I'm not sure what to do.  Perhaps finding and seeing God means just being polite and respectful when dealing with this person.  Perhaps finding and seeing God does not mean that I must embrace and become close friends or even friends at all, but simply respect the dignity of this person.  Speak kindly when I must speak, and more important, not speak unkindly about the person.

God Bless you and keep you!
Sister Pat, FMT


Holy Mary, Mother of Creation,
bless us that we may experience
God as Love in praise of all creatures,
in love of all of creation. Amen.

Father Michael Adams - www.livingrosaries.org

An ungrateful heart

While riding the bus to go to Mass this past Saturday, I was sitting by the window and saw the people sitting on the bus bench.  They were not sitting because they were waiting for the bus.  They were sitting because they had no where else to go.  No home and no place to go.  My first thought was "How ungrateful I am."  I have a home, food to eat and live beautiful animal companions.  I have a job.  I have a family who love and accept me.  I have good friends.  I am not alone in this world even though I someimes feel I am.

The reason for my tendency to wallow in self-pity is quite simply, I have an ungrateful heart.  Admitting that is the easy part.  I have no problem admitting at least some of my flaws.  But I am also quite an expert at jutifying my flaws and my right to feel sorry for myself.  After all, my flaws are not quite as bad as other peoples and I have had to deal with much loss.  I can find all the wrong in my life.  Too often I choose to dwell in that darkness.  Too often I am content to live in and with ingratitude.  Too often I am stuck on me and what is wrong with my life.

I  am not sure how to get unstuck.  I am not sure how to let go of the ego that seeeks more and more.  Even in seeing the homeless people, my attention was not foucused on them but on me.  I do not know how to really turn awy from ingratitude and ego to embrace gratitude and humbleness.  I have tried to focus on what is good but still find myself drawn to what is not good.  So I continue to struggle with this ungrateful heart and my ego.

God Bless you and keep you!
Sister Pat, FMT


Holy Mary, Mother of Creation,
bless us that we may experience
God as Love in praise of all creatures,
in love of all of creation. Amen.

Father Michael Adams - www.livingrosaries.org

"Didn’t you agree to work"

I was reminded of the parable about the workers in the vineyard from Matthew's Gospel earlier in the week while at working.  I was grumbling to myself (as I often do) about what I perceived as being treated unfairly.  The parable deals with workers being hired throughout the day and everyone receiving the same amount of pay regardless of how many hours they worked.  Of course, those who worked the longest were extremely upset at receiving the same amount of money as those who worked the least amount of hours.  The owner of the vineyard asks the disgruntled workers  "Didn't you agree to work for a denarius?" and "Or are you envious of my generosity?" The parable is, of course, about God's generosity, about humility, about being grateful for what we have, rather than envying what others have or receive.

For me, this particular parable was a much needed reminder that I agreed to work at this job.  I understood what my responsibilities were when I accepted the position.  Whatever anyone one else does or does not do, whatever I might think they should or should not do, whatever happens with anyone else really should not have an impact on me because I agreed to work.  I need to focus on doing my job to the best of my abilities.  That must be my only concern.

Life is not fair as my sister pointed out during a conversation I had with her about this problem at work.  But I can choose how I react to the unfairness which I perceive ( some real and some imagined) and do my job!


God Bless you and keep you!
Sister Pat, FMT


Holy Mary, Mother of Creation,
bless us that we may experience
God as Love in praise of all creatures,
in love of all of creation. Amen.

Father Michael Adams - www.livingrosaries.org

Holy Saturday: the waiting time

It is almost 7:00 A.M. as I begin writing.  I can hear the birds singing joyfully as they greet the first light of morning.  Dawn is slowly awakening and the sky is becoming lighter.  The sun has yet to appear but shades of the lightest orange reach above the horizon.  What an amazing morning it must have been when Jesus walked out of the tomb.  How all of creation must have rejoiced as the light of Christ burst forth into the world once more.  What jubilant songs the birds must have sung.  But that moment will be celebrated tomorrow: Easter Sunday.  Today is Holy Saturday.  Today is the waiting day.

We have already remembered and commemorated the Last Supper on Thursday and relived those moments from the Garden of Gethsemane to the scourging, crowning with thorns, carrying of the cross and crucifixion and death of Jesus on Good Friday.  Now we wait for Sunday.  We already know how this will end.  We already know that Jesus rises from the dead.

But for the disciples and followers of Jesus, this day must have been a day of despair, confusion, fear and hopelessness.  Jesus, who cured so many and even raised Lazarus from the dead, was now dead.  Killed in a brutal and public way as a message to those who dared to speak up against the religious leaders and government leaders.  Jesus did not save himself from death.  He did not come down from the cross.  He did not open his eyes when he was removed from the cross.  The God whom Jesus loved and thanked and praised did not save him from death.

Peter, who had been so outspoken in wanting to follow Jesus, in wanting to protect Jesus, denied even knowing him most likely out of fear.  Watching something so brutal happen to someone he loved and admired, someone who was his teacher and friend, must have shaken Peter's faith.  All Jesus' followers fled.  All that is except the women.  They stayed.  His mother stayed or was nearby depending on what Gospel account one reads and what one chooses to believe could have been factually correct given the time and circumstance and way of life.

With Jesus dead, the disciples might not have been sure about anything.  They spent time in the upper room praying, hoping perhaps that what they witnessed was some bad dream.  Hoping that Jesus would walk in and the life they knew with him would return to some degree of normalcy.  Whatever he might have told them to try to prepare them and whatever he might have told his mother to prepare her, the sheer brutality and horror of the events that resulted in his crucifixion and death surely must have left them all in shock and disbelief.

So on this Saturday, they waited and prayed and held on to whatever bit of faith was left in them, not knowing what will happen...


God Bless you and keep you!
Sister Pat, FMT


Holy Mary, Mother of Creation,
bless us that we may experience
God as Love in praise of all creatures,
in love of all of creation. Amen.

Father Michael Adams - www.livingrosaries.org

Not even for thirty minutes

Matthew, Mark and Luke all write about Jesus going to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray.  Although all his disciples accompany him, Jesus takes Peter, James and John a little further and asks them to wait while he prays.  Not once, not even twice, but three times Jesus finds his three companions sleeping.  He wakes them and asks them why they could not stay awake for even an hour.  They are at a loss for words.  According to the accounts in the Gospels, they were "overcome' with sleep.  Last Saturday at the Palm Sunday Vigil Mass, the Passion and Crucifixion of Christ was read.  After the reading, Fr. Joe spoke, in his homily, about the upcoming Holy Week schedule and how  our plans to spend some time with God and Jesus are often sidetracked by other events in our lives, some unavoidable and others, perhaps, just distractions.

Both Fr. Joe's words and Jesus asking his disciples why they could not stay awake for an hour stayed with me.  I thought about the past few weeks and how I used the excuse of being too tired to get up to say my morning prayers.  So I said a very simple prayers some days and maybe a couple of more brief prayers other days.  I know that prayer is never ever about quantity. Prayer is all about the quality and sincerity.  The story of the Pharisee and the tax collector in the temple certainly exemplifies the message that a prayer doesn't have to be lengthy.  But I wasn't even willing to give up just thirty minutes a day!

The disciples couldn't stay awake for an hour.  I stayed in bed a half an hour longer than I set my alarm because I, like the disciples, was too tired.  Too tired to spend a half an hour in prayer.  To tired, too distracted, too whatever to spend the forty days of Lent doing any of the reading and praying I'd planned to do when Lent began.  Sure I did well at not having the desserts and/or fried foods I've given up for Lent the past four years.  But as for the spiritual part, well, not so good.  I'm not sure why I always struggle.  I have such high hopes as every Lent begins, but talking the talk is always so much easier than walking the walk.  I'm a good talker.  I wish I were a better walker.

I decided to take a positive step by having a quiet and reflective Good Friday: no television and no playing Words With Friends or Trivia Crack for twenty-four hours.  I also decided to fast for twenty-four hours.  I  began by praying the Sorrowful Mysteries using Sr. Joan Chittister's In Pursuit Of Peace: Praying the Rosary Through the Psalms.  I spent time praying, used the computer only for a short time, attended Good Friday service and ended the twenty-four hour period by once again praying the Sorrowful Mysteries using Sr. Joan's meditations.

The twenty-fours hours of Good Friday gave me the chance to not only spend much needed time in prayer, but to also let go of all the distractions that I hold on to so tightly.  I can turn off the television rather than watching reruns that I've seen so many times I almost know all the dialogue.  The games can wait.  I can stay awake!

God Bless you and keep you!
Sister Pat, FMT


Holy Mary, Mother of Creation,
bless us that we may experience
God as Love in praise of all creatures,
in love of all of creation. Amen.

Father Michael Adams - www.livingrosaries.org