I made a slight change to the description of the blog. Rather than saying: the thoughts and writings of Sister Pat, FMT, an Independent Catholic Sister, the description now says: the thoughts and writings of Sister Pat, FMT, a reluctant Independent Catholic Sister. I decided to add the word reluctant because that seems to be the best and most concise way to describe this journey of mine. From the summer of 1976, the summer of my 17th birthday, the summer between junior and senior years in high school until now, I have wrestled with, wondered about, struggled with, joyfully embraced, seriously doubted and knew with absolute certainty that I was called to something deeper, that I was called to be a Sister.
The journey began quite innocently near the end of junior year. We were on the bus riding back to school after a field trip. Sister Anne, my homeroom teacher, asked "anyone thinking of becoming a Nun?" I really didn't think much of the question then. But it stayed with me throughout senior year and remained somewhere deep within me after high school ended. The feeling was still there after I'd stopped attending Mass on a regular basis and after I'd moved from Massachusetts to Florida. The call was especially strong when I started attending Mass and praying again. The sense that I was still being called to some type of religious life was still there even when I had found love.
Karen and I celebrated our love and commitment with a Holy Union Ceremony during a Mass for the Feast of The Immaculate Conception December 8, 2002. I chose the date because I wanted our ceremony to be on a Marian Feast day. I had talked with her about the feeling of being called to a deeper religious commitment and she was supportive. We even thought about becoming Secular Franciscans associated with a group of Independent Catholic Franciscans, but we were the only women. That wouldn't have been a problem had we not felt like we'd always be "on the outside looking in" at the boys club.
Then Karen died March 10, 2006, and my world and faith shattered. If God was still calling, not only did I not hear that voice, I didn't want to have anything to with God, or Mary or Jesus or the Holy Spirit or Mass or prayers. But ever so slowly, I felt the pull back especially through Mary and felt that call once again and finally decided I had to find a way to say that "yes!" On September 8, 2007, I made my own private vows at home. On August 15th, 2008 the Feast of The Dormition/Assumption of Mary I made my solemn Profession of Vows in an Independent Catholic Church. Of course I had to profess on a Marian Feast Day!
Since my profession, continuing to answer the call has not always been easy. I have often found reasons why I couldn't possibly have been called to this consecrated life. Yet, there have been so many signs along the way to indicate that I have. I was able to find Sr. Anne, whom i had not seen nor spoken with since graduation in May 1977, and tell her about my journey to say "Yes" to the question she'd asked all those years ago. She was and remains so supportive and encouraging even though that's not what she's supposed to do. Roman Catholic Sisters are not supposed to encourage Independent Catholic Sisters. I recently found out that she entered the Convent on September 8. Yet another sign for me!
Sr. Anne is not the only one who has been supportive, encouraging and affirming. I've shared the story of my journey with other Roman Catholic Sisters, including Sr Jeannine Gramick who agreed with Sr. Anne that I must be "true to myself" and follow the path that is best for me. I have also been supported and encouraged by Sister Julie and Sister Maxine. All four Sisters have affirmed my non-traditional call and way of answering. Sisters Julie and Maxine have welcomed me into the wonderful Internet community they've created as part of their ministry. One of the most affirming things Sr. Julie did was to post a comment which ended with #bikingnuns under a picture I had posted on Facebook about a bike ride home on a cold early morning. Something rather simple, I know and perhaps easily overlooked, but so important to this reluctant Sister dealing with doubts. Sr. Julie posted that comment just a few after I literally said out loud "Well, I don't think I'm called to be a Sister."
I am always encouraged and supported by my good friend, Fr, Bill, a member of an Independent Dominican/Franciscan Order. When I told him about wanting to be a Sister, he said: "then be yourself a Sister!" He listens patiently to my ramblings and I appreciate him. I have also found a home at the Parish of Sts. Francis and Clare with my brother Franciscans, the parishioners and two greyhounds, Coco and Junie as well as a friend and spiritual guide in Deacon Joan who I call "Skipper D". She is no longer at the Parish but we meet once a month. She reminds me that all this is part of life.
I renewed my vows on August 15, 2014 at the Parish with Fr. Robert, OSF accepting my renewal with Br John, OSF and Br. Tim, OSF with us. Yet still I wonder and doubt and still try to run away and find all the reasons why, even after al these years, I couldn't possibly be called. Yet, deep within, I feel that pull... so I go on, reluctanly, and not understanding why there is that pause, that hesitation...
God bless you and keep you!
Sister Pat, FMT
Holy Mary, Mother of Creation,
bless us that we may experience
God
as Love in praise of all creatures,
in love of all of creation. Amen.
Father Michael Adams - www.livingrosaries.org
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