It's been a long, long time...

It has been over two and a half years since I wrote my last blog post.  I have had quite a few ups and downs as many people have.  That is nothing new, but part of life as we know.  The ups are good and wonderful and joyful and the downs are difficult and sometimes filled with darkness and despair.  The ups lift the spirit, while downs crush the spirit at times, at least for me.  I am not sure why I turn away from God, Jesus, the Spirit and Mary, from prayer, from faith during difficult times, but I do and that contributes to my calling myself a reluctant Independent Sister.  I have doubts about whether I was and still am called to find a way to live life as a vowed religious.  Often I am unsure of what that means or how to "do it" properly or at least whatever my perception of properly is.  Whatever the proper way to live a call to the religious life, even in a non-traditional independent way, I am always certain that I am not doing that the right way, or even close to the right way.

 I am reminded by friends and clergy that doubts are normal and even Mother Teresa, now know as Saint Teresa of Calcutta, had doubts.  That never seems to soothe my troubled mind because, as I remind myself and them, although she felt the absence of God, she never stopped praying and never stopped believing.  I have struggled mightily to have a consistent prayer life since taking vows, which really surprised me because I thought it would get easier.  Ah, but life does not get easier simply because one professes vows, does it?  Religious life does not shelter one from the ups and downs of life as much as I  might want it to or hope it will.

So there are times when I give up in exasperation or in despair or because the doubts as to whether God could have ever called me to find a way to live life as a vowed religious could possibly be true.  But no matter how many times I turn away, run away, try to abandon this call that could not be real, I find myself drawn back again and again because of Mary in ways that are often surprising and unexpected.  More about that as this renewed writing about this journey continues...

Blesssings and peace!
Sister Pat, FMT


Holy Mary, Mother of Creation,
bless us that we may experience
God as Love in praise of all creatures,
in love of all of creation. Amen.

Father Michael Adams - www.livingrosaries.org